The Nostalgia Trap: When Fan Service Fails
According to the opening of Tom Gormican’s latest film, these are the pillars of cinema. It is a bold, tongue-in-cheek claim that sets the stage for a meta-commentary on the 1997 cult classic. However, as the credits roll on this 2025 iteration, one cannot help but feel that the joke has worn thin. Rated at a disappointing 2/5 stars, Anaconda is a film that identifies the problems of modern Hollywood—recycling old ideas, forced nostalgia, and soulless CGI—only to fall into every single one of those traps itself.
The story follows a group of childhood friends from Buffalo who are stuck in the “B-plus” lane of life. Doug (Jack Black) is a wedding videographer with delusions of being the next John Carpenter; Griff (Paul Rudd) is a struggling actor whose biggest claim to fame is a three-episode stint on S.W.A.T. Seeking to reclaim their youth, they decide to head to the Amazon to film a “spiritual sequel” to their favorite movie, Anaconda. It is a premise rife with comedic potential, yet the execution remains frustratingly “slipshod.”
A Cast Out of Water (and Into the Jungle)
On paper, the ensemble is a “comedic dream team.” You have the manic energy of Jack Black, the ageless charm of Paul Rudd, the neurotic wit of Steve Zahn, and the grounded presence of Thandiwe Newton. Unfortunately, the script gives them remarkably little to do. Zahn is largely wasted in a role that feels like an afterthought, and Newton is forced to play the “straight man” in a movie that desperately needed more of her talent.
The film struggles with its tone. Gormican, who previously explored meta-territory with The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, can’t decide if he’s making a Tropic Thunder-style satire or a genuine creature feature. As a result, it succeeds at neither. The humor is often “haphazard,” relying on the actors’ charisma rather than clever writing. When the real giant snake eventually shows up—a CGI behemoth that looks significantly worse than the practical effects of 1997—the tension evaporates instantly.
The “Theme” Problem
The sharpest parts of the screenplay involve the characters trying to inject “themes” into their low-budget production. There is a recurring gag where Doug whispers the word “themes” while staring into the jungle, hoping to find deeper meaning in a movie about a giant snake eating people. It’s a clever jab at the way modern directors try to justify “IP recycling” by claiming their reboots are “about trauma” or “intergenerational healing.”
Yet, the movie itself lacks a soul. The subplot involving illegal gold mining and a rogue pilot (Daniela Melchior) feels tacked on, and the cameo by Ice Cube—while a fun nod to the original—feels like a desperate attempt to grab a “nostalgia high” that the film hasn’t earned. The action sequences are messy, and the final showdown involving propane tanks and pyrotechnics feels like a generic checklist from an action-movie-generator.
Final Verdict: A Snake Eating Its Own Tail
Ultimately, Anaconda (2025) is a “misshapen turd” that fails to justify its existence. While there are a few bright spots—specifically Selton Mello’s performance as a snake wrangler and a truly bizarre sequence involving Jack Black and a dead hog—the film is mostly a “limp, predictable digression.”
It is a movie about the joy of making movies with your friends, but it feels like it was made by a committee that forgot to have any fun. For a 12-year-old looking for a few jump scares and gross-out gags, it might be a “triumph.” For the rest of us, it’s just another piece of undercooked content lost in the Amazon.
CINEMA SPICE RATING: ★★ (2/5)
